Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Twenty-one

It is the 7th July, exactly a month since I turned 21 and I wanted to write a little post about it. I was in Greece on my birthday, on the actual day I spent the early hours on a bench in Santorini listening to music and admiring the views waiting for our bus to arrive. We took a ferry to Mykonos, had a nap in our hotel room because we got no sleep the night before and then we explored the town. Mykonos, thus far, is my favourite place in Greece, it's gorgeous and picturesque, with whitewashed buildings, lovely sandy beaches, pristine sea and a town you can just get lost in easily. I could stay there for weeks and never want to leave. On my birthday, we ate some pasta at a local interest, spent some time at the Skandinavian bar and just looked around. It was quite a chill day, and the perfect start to our time in Mykonos. The Old Port is one of my favourite places in the world. 


Birthdays always seem like a big deal. I don't really care about the celebratory part, it doesn't really bother me, my family sent me a video in the morning wishing me happy birthday and I cried. I know you're not supposed to cry on your birthday but I couldn't help it. The thing that seems to crop up every year is that I always feel like I haven't achieved enough, like I'm behind. I don't feel young enough to be able justify all the poor decisions I make, I genuinely feel like the farthest thing from an adult. 


I do not feel grown up at all. I can't imagine the day where I won't ask my sister or my Mom for advice. When I won't enjoy eating pasta out of a packet. When I won't feel like in comparison to every other human being I know I am failing, I am doing life wrong. This all just makes me panic, I don't want to grow up, I can't imagine having a family of my own, sorting out bills and laundry and owning a piece of property. It seems light years away, when deep down I want it to be sooner rather than later. I want my life to be figured out already. This impatience is my undoing. 


When I was in high school, for a while, I was deeply unhappy. I don't even know what it was that made me so unhappy, school was fine, home was fine, everything was fine. I just felt like I was wrong. It genuinely perplexed me that everyone else seemed so happy all the time, and I just couldn't comprehend why I didn't feel that way. Why wasn't I happy? Well, the receptionist at my school said to me: No one's happy all the time, we just become better at hiding it. I think you can apply that to most things, of course there are some extraordinary people that know exactly what they are doing and are always right on track but for the most part people are just fumbling through life hoping for the best. At least that's what I tell myself. Cheers, to being 21 and one month old. Take care.


Oh Leo...

Love ♥
Kiran

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