Tuesday, 14 February 2017

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY | BODY IMAGE SCARED OF THE FUTURE AND FEELING STUCK AND LOST


Today is Valentine's Day and I hope you are all having a great day regardless of your plans and relationship status. I was going to post a makeup tutorial for Valentine's Day but after some thought decided against it. Honestly, I think, as with all special occasions, whatever feels comfortable for you will be your best option. It's impossible to create a look that will suit and inspire everyone. As long as you look and feel good that's all that matters. Please share what makes you feel good and confident in your skin below in the comments as I would love to know. This post is a little different and quite private. I don't like discussing my personal struggles as it just brings home how real they are (you can't run away from them or just pretend they don't exist) but now I feel like it is definitely time to do something about them as I can't keep living and feeling this way, so please read if you can relate to feeling a little lost, uncomfortable, scared of the future and unattractive

We were talking about looking and feeling good so I want to share with you my private battle with this. We all know social comparison is the death of self esteem and yet I always seem to compare myself to other people (usually Gigi Hadid) including friends, family members and strangers I meet on the way to the train station. I just can't help it. I always feel lacking in comparison, my hair isn't as thick or voluminous, my eyebrows aren't as fleeky and my body is not goals. 


Lately, I have been trying to pinpoint what it is that makes me feel like that, because. of course, this is not the fault of other people: this is all me. There's something about myself that I don't like. It might be that I fail to see where my future path will take me and that truly scares the shit out of me. I have no idea where I am going to go from here. The lack of security and the passivity of just existing, settling and not doing is driving me mental. 

I keep thinking what else can I do? I am doing everything I can, but a word of advice to you all. If you have time to fret about the future and worry about not doing enough then you definitely have time to do more. There is a line from a Young MA song (EAT - watch here) that goes "Been working so much that I don't even see the hustle". This is my new motto, I have chosen to spend way too many weekends in my pyjamas watching YouTube videos doing nothing and just enjoying a lie-in and Netflix. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it is also time I could be using to better myself, to help me feel stronger and more capable of creating a future I like for myself which is all I want. I want to do more. I want to work and volunteer and read about my fields of interest (psychology, psychosis and mental health), I want to stop feeling so anxious about life. 


Aside from where I am at in my life I am also struggling with how I look too, not that I look bad. I am more than fortunate to be healthy, shower regularly and be clothed warmly for this bitch of a winter. I have scarves upon scarves, but seem to rotate the same outfits every week because I just can't be bothered. I don't care enough to make an effort anymore. I have long hair that I twirl into a bun on most days to keep it out of the way, I can do a total of 3 hairstyles (loose, bun, ponytail) and that's it. My hair desperately needs cutting but I still can't bring myself to visit a hairdresser's because that's where Satan lives and I am so over strangers fucking up my hair (read about my Hair Horrors here). It shouldn't be so hard to look and feel good and yet it feels like such an effort, especially for girls. There is so much maintenance involved, but the sad truth is if you look good, or at least feel you look good, you will feel good. So it's time to identify what isn't "good" to me.


My weight and my hair have been bothering me a lot, I have started going back to the gym and trying (really trying) to make better choices in my diet. I want to start feeling good about myself again, although I can't recall a time when I was ever confident in my body it is about time I do something about it. I am going to start taking hair supplements and iron tablets for my health and to strengthen my hair. I have an iron deficiency and my sister already owns some capsules for hair, skin and nails. I figure I have nothing to lose, so if you are interested I will keep you updated on that. I do intend to get my hair cut very soon even if it's just in front of the mirror with a pair of kitchen scissors. My point is I have been passive for far too long, it's so easy to fall into familiar patterns and stay stuck in a routine. I just wanted to remind you all that whatever is bringing you down you have the power to change it. This brings me to my favourite quote by Mae West right here: "You only live once, but if you do it right once is enough." Let's make it enough.


Thank you as always for reading, apologies if this post is completely irrelevant or uninteresting to you. I am not sure I am going to keep it, it's hard to see all your insecurities and everything that plagues you while you're awake at night written on a page. It feels permanent. This is a watered down version of my thoughts in the interest of full honesty, my mind can be a very dark place. I hope this resonates with at least some of you and I tried to end it positively. I am not all that social, I heard yesterday that social media is really for the anti-social (Sean Locke on 8 Out of 10 Cats) and truer words have never been spoken. I feel this might be a significant lack, I want to have people in my life that lift me up and keep me motivated and strong, luckily I have a great family and friends that I would truly die for. I don't talk to many people, but the ones I do I treasure, I hate the thought of anyone feeling alone.


I was watching the Grammys last night and cried my eyes out to Adele's tribute to George Michael. Not because Adele is a magician in couture but because the video of George in the background pulled at my heartstrings. It made me think of Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse and other global stars that have a phenomenal gift and yet they're alone and unhappy. It's heartbreaking. So if you're going through something similar or just want to keep each other motivated to get to the gym send me a tweet or an email (alittlekiran@gmail.com). I would love to hear from you. Take care.

What makes you feel good about yourself?

Love 
Kiran

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26 comments

  1. Oh it's so sad to see that you feel this way. To me you look beautiful, do have fleeky eyebrows and CERTAINLY not overweight in any way shape or form. I feel ya though girl, this hit me right in the feels. I was always slim and I've gained 3 and a half stone at university leaving me feeling ugly and fat. I've dieted in the past and lost two stone back when I wasn't even fat in the first place but now when I actually am huge I CAN'T DO IT!!! WHY?? Chin up gorgeous, try not to compare yourself to others. You're beautiful and good luck with the capsules and stuff. Hopefully I can start making a change myself!

    Beckie xo // The Pale Tails

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    1. Aw thank you, I put on weight at university too. It felt like I was the only one who noticed and I would think about it constantly. One thing I have learnt though is that slim/skinny doesn't necessarily mean confident. Back when I was slimmer I felt just as self conscious as I do now, which makes me think it's just me and not my weight at all. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate that xxx

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  2. I'll start my common with giving you the biggest, warmest virtual hug, Kiran. Trust me, we all go through this phase and I did even way before the rise of social medias. I never felt good enough, or good looking enough and I am my worst enemy. I pick myself apart to the point my self esteem plummeted to below zero and way below that if possible.

    But I eventually got over it, through bitch slapping myself and telling myself enough is enough. Like you, I finally got too tired with being so negative with sucker punching myself and decided to do something about it. You deciding to do something about it and having a more positive approach towards yourself is the first, biggest step...give yourself a pat on the back for that. xx

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

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    1. I meant 'my comment'....not 'my common'...fecking autocorrect...duh!

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    2. Aw this means so much to me, enough really is enough. Thank you Shireen your comments always bring a smile to my face. You're just the loveliest person, I wish I knew you in real life xxx

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  3. Aww hun. Love this post. I know it will sound cheesy, but you have nothing to feel down about where your looks are concerned. You're every bit of gorgeous. But I get it...we fall into patterns and slowly stop putting in more effort. Bun all day thats me. Feeling like my hair is boring...also me! I love your positive attitude and you're right...there's nothing we can't change if we really put ourselves to it xxx
    Sal | UmmBabyBeauty

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    1. Thank you, I haven't done much to change any of this haha, my hair still hasn't been washed in like a week. I will do better xxx

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  4. Oh, I can so relate about comparing myself a lot. Even 10 years ago when Myspace was the social media. I felt like I was never skinny enough at 117 pounds, and prednisone has caused my weight to go up and down. I weigh 134 now, and I am healthy (but people have been saying I'm too thin), but I know in Hollywood-world that would be considered fat. I had very thick hair too, but my lupus flareups and prednisone has caused a lot of hair loss and I now have fine hair. I have been meaning to write a post about overcoming shame, because I know we all a lot of baggage in our lives. You are gorgeous (on the inside and out), kind and smart. I'm always here if you ever need someone to talk to via email <3

    Hannah
    Floraful

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    1. Thank you Hannah, that really means a lot to me. I am sorry to hear what you have gone through personally. It's so easy to forget the troubles of others and be stuck in your own head with your own insecurities. You're incredible and I would love to read that post if you ever write it, same to you btw xxx

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  5. I feel you - I have issues with body image myself, so I can relate. Doesn't help that most of my friends are skinny and I'm like, that fat friend. However, I have been trying to love myself more, cellulite and all - I think that is a worthy goal.

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    1. Fantastic goal! At school, all my friends were teeny tiny girls, mostly under 5ft and thin and pretty and gorgeous and I felt like such a gangly awkward giant next to them. I hated it. Xxx

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  6. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kiran, it's not easy to open up, more so in space like blog, so I think it's really admirable for you to be able to did so. I'd say that if you feel unhappy with how you are and you want to improve, then, do so. Just don't let the negativity consume you, it should motivate you instead. Good luck!

    Selene Addicted

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    1. That's great advice actually, thank you Dea xxx

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  7. Writing down your thoughts and fears may be scary and hard, but it is a very brave thing to do and the first step to achieve what you want to do: Confront them and be active about them.
    You see, I grew up well before social media. I am 38 now and when I was 16, the internet wasn't something I or anyone else had access to. Still I had more than enough possibilities to compare myself to other persons, and I did. Always, of course, to my loss.
    Leatning to accept and love yourself is part of growing up, and sometimes you have to be at the bottom to finally realize that you need to take action and change the way you think about yourself. Or get your hair cut.
    Happiness doesn't come from your hair or the gym. But these things surely make it easier to embrace you and the unique and wonderful person you are.

    Linda, Libra, Loca: Beauty, Baby and Backpacking

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    1. Yeah that is becoming more clear to me, I always used to think that if I looked a certain way or reached a certain weight I would be happy but that's not the case. A hard lesson to learn, thank you for being so kind xxx

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  8. wow love this blog post :)

    www.londonstylegirl.com

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  9. It's extremely brave to lay yourself bare like this & I applaud you for that. I hate to think of you being so down on yourself and being so hard on yourself. I bet you would never speak to your best friend in that way, so why do it to yourself?

    How about you try writing down the things you do like about yourself and keeping a daily journal with just a few lines of what you achieved each day & some realistic daily goals.

    Also, there is so much more to a person than what is on the outside! I think that happiness radiates through the skin & eyes.

    Love yourself! xx

    Beautylymin| LuxuryFragranceGiveaway

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  10. I think everyone feels the same and most certainly me, I was never happy with my image growing up, it was either my weight, my acne, my frizzy hair etc and I always found something to complain about. But now at 36, I am more than happy with how I look, I try to take care of myself, my skin, my body, I try to eat healthy and exercise as much as I can and I think everyone should accept and be happy with their selves.

    Yiota
    PinkDaisyLoves

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  11. Excelente post!
    Concordo que tudo, tanto maquiagem quanto looks, tem a ver com nos sentir bem conosco mesmo.
    Gostei muito da forma como se expressou através do texto.
    Beijo!

    Dany
    Blog Breshopping da Dany
    Conheça também o Breshopping da Dany KIDS

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  12. I don't have any weight issues or anything like that, but I can't even begin to tell you how much I want to start working out so I can have a more toned figure. You should check out Lucy Wyndham Read's videos on YouTube for workouts - the transformations are incredible!
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.com/

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  13. Much love to this post hun, and I think so many people can relate to this, myself included. Just know that you are good enough just the way you are, lovely! <3

    Kay
    http://www.shoesandglitter.com/

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  14. I'm in a very similar point in my life too. I haven't been putting in the effort in my looks or health and it's definitely affecting the way I view myself :( It's easy to feel inferior when you see perfect people plastered all everywhere we look. But like you said, it's time to stop being passive! Thanks for opening up about your struggle because it made me feel better about my own knowing I'm not the only one <3 We can both conquer this! <3<3<3 I'm following you on twitter now!

    Mili | Sharmtoaster

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  15. Hey Kiran! Such a touching post you wrote and don't think you are alone! I think we all suffer from low self-esteem at times and can be too harsh on ourselves. I think it is important to make healthy lifestyle choices, but sanity is also vital! I am now trying to not only hit the gym more often, but also walk more than I do (in Dubai we live pretty much like in LA - driving and sitting all the time). And don't stress as much because it affects your hair too - I know it more than anyone else. Sending you a big virtual hug!

    Naya // www.partyparrotblog.com

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  16. Happy Valentine's Day to you.
    We all are human beings, we all also have our fears that hunt us every day, thank you for being brave and share it, it is hard to feel completely comfident about ourself (at least for me). Keep looking forward you're a half way there. Kisses - Michelle

    //PURE FRECKLES//✌

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