An unusual, late night post for you all today, only because I have a lot on my mind. I have been feeling quite weighed down recently. A lot of changes are about to happen. I touched on this in my August Goals and just want to be brutally honest and get really real for a minute about how I feel, because the tension in my shoulders and panic in my stomach refuse to be ignored. I am moving to London to start my MSc next month and I am bricking it.
I am not even sure what scares me the most. Probably just being unhappy there. It is going to be so different. Living alone, although I will be sharing a place with other people, away from my family. Getting back into education, when I didn't do very well the first time around. I am worried it's all going to be for nothing. That it is a huge mistake. I am pissing my money away. I am too stupid for higher education. I'll return no better than I left with barely any money and nothing to show for it. All of this invisible pressure I am putting on myself is overwhelming and yet I can't find a way to stop worrying about it. I can't talk comfortably about this with anyone in my life. My friends are scattered and these horrible, negative feelings just feel too much, too inappropriate, for casual catch-up conversations. Although I know I have people that care about me, I know even if I told them how I felt I can't envision there is anything they could say that would help. It's a huge risk on my part.
They say there is no better investment than yourself, but when your confidence and self-belief have been shattered it's really hard to find the gumption to bet on yourself. I feel like I have lost my nerve. I have always known what I have wanted to do, but secretly have constantly struggled with the idea that I am not good enough. Slowly, that kind of negative, harmful thinking leeches into every part of your life. It's getting to be more and more of a struggle to identify what I like about myself. I am just a constant ball of stress these days. I am convinced I am going to fail, in spite of how many times I have read The Secret and educated myself on the Laws of Attraction, manifestation and positive thinking. It's much clearer what I am lacking, what my flaws are than my strengths. Keeping it all inside is truly toxic. Writing has always been my outlet, sometimes just letting all the ugly thoughts out on a page can be the most cathartic thing. It might be a bit TMI for you all on this Thursday night and please know I am not fishing for compliments or asking for undeserved praise. I just want to share how I am feeling, because when I do feel like this I feel so utterly alone. I feel like no one else ever feels like this because they are brilliant and I am not. But I know that isn't the case, everyone has days when they stumble and everyone worries about countless things. So if you are feeling down and miserable, know you aren't alone and even if it doesn't help remember that worrying will not effect your tomorrow it just sucks the fun out of today. Try and be like Elsa and let it go, I know I sure as hell am going to try to. Thank you for reading this ramble. Much love.
Good night guys
Awww Kiran! Don't worry, it's all going to turn out well. We all feel pressure and I can completely relate. GCSE results are out next week and I am truly (excuse my language) shitting myself. I've already got three results back and I wasn't happy with one so I can only think of negative thoughts for the second round.
ReplyDeleteI hope that I can be Elsa and let it go as well, but without pressure I guess there's nothing that drives us forward. And with pressure, worry is inevitable.
I hope everything works out for you babe, and I'm only a message away xx Nikita
BLOG//Jasmine Loves
Thank you Nikita, I hope everything works out for you as well. Good luck, although I think I am a bit late x
DeleteYour last saying totally resonates with me! I always worry that I'm not doing the 'right' thing, but I believe there is no right and wrong and that all you can do is you. It's a challenge to not let worrying take over! X
ReplyDeleteEverything But The Kitchen
That's great advice, I think you are right x
DeleteOh wow these pictures are so pretty! This is so unbelievably cute!
ReplyDeleteLadies Loafers Online India have been popular due to its comfort. Today, loafers for ladies are so popular as it exhibits a great fashion statement. The leather lining always provides ultimate comfort and can be worn all day long.
Visit: http://bissq.kinja.com/loafers-the-comfort-wrapped-style-1797666925
There is literally only one photo
DeleteBelieve me you are not alone, there are so many others!! I hope everything works out Kiran!
ReplyDeleteCandice | Beauty Candy Loves
Thank you Candice, that means a lot!
DeleteEverything will be ok and the less you worry about it, the happier you will be. Everyone has their struggles and everyone has a hard time now and then, but at the end everything will work out fine!! Sending you hugs! x
ReplyDeleteYiota
PinkDaisyLoves
Thank you so much Yiota, I guess you just have to let the chips fall where they may x
DeleteYou are really smart, and you're more than good enough! I think moving to London on your own is enough to scare anyone (I'd be terrified), so it's understandable why you're nervous about it. It's also a big change, and that always brings in some nervous feelings. I think you will thrive though once you get into it, and you have a lovely personality too so I'm sure you'll get to know some people and that might help make the transition easier. Wishing you all the best, and I'll be waiting for your updates xx
ReplyDeleteVelvet Blush
Ah thank you so much, that was a lovely comment to read x
DeleteYou're not alone, you are 100000% not alone! Keep using writing as an outlet and keep looking for that positivity that keeps you going. Get all the toxic stuff out, even if that means unpublished posts or scribbles in a notebook - but know that you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteSending love xxxxxx
Anika xo | anikamay.co.uk
Thank you Anika, that is definitely a suggestion I will take on board. I felt so much better getting this out x
DeleteNice post! Happy weekend!
ReplyDeleteXx,
|| FLOORTJELOVES ||
www.floortjeloves.com
www.bloglovin.com/blogs/floortjeloves-12198253
Thanks
DeleteAww so sorry you are feeling down lately, babe. Hang in there. I am sending positivity your way <3
ReplyDeleteEnclothed Cognition
Thank you Keri x
DeleteWhy are you so convinced you will fail? Who shattered your confidence? Take back control of your feelings and believe in yourself xx
ReplyDeleteBeautylymin
I know, it is just trying to figure out how to do it. I am feeling a lot more positive recently and less self-critical which hopefully will help change my mindset more permanently x
DeleteI think you really need to give yourself time to adjust to your new setting. University was such a shock to me and it was not easy. I felt so out of place, and it really took time to figure out what worked for me. You are not alone in feeling like this, and it's easy to say "think positive." It's getting yourself there that's the hard part. Baby steps and give yourself credit for those small steps. http://www.mrsqbeauty.com
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennifer, you are right. It is easy to say but a struggle to practice x
DeleteI understand you completely - fear is the greatest shortly before a drastic change is about to happen in your life, no matter what it is. It's scary to not know how things will end up being, but letting go is all you can do when something is out of your hands. Try to relax and embrace the change, and I will you all the happiness in the world after you move to London. <3
ReplyDeletehttp://www.couture-case.com
Thank you Jelena for such kind words x
DeleteI worry a lot which is so not good for you at all but just hang in there hun!! Try and stay positive and focus. Don't let fear steals your joy. x
ReplyDeleteAnn-Marie | http://facetocurls.com/
Thank you Ann-Marie, I will certainly try. Sorry to hear that you are a worrier as well x
DeleteKiran, I tell myself all the time that I'm not good enough and it get's me nowhere. Try to stay positive and don't stop believing in yourself. If you ever want to talk one on one, I am here for you.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
Effortlessly Sophisticated
Thank you so much Jennifer, I hate to hear that you feel that way as well. It is such a horrid feeling x
DeleteHi Kiran! I don't know what to say or how I can relate because I've never moved out on my own until I got married 5 months ago and I'm 27. My mom did, however had to grow up fast because she had my sister at 18, and she had to work as a flight attendant in order to support her, and live in Bangkok and Jeddah. She also separated from my dad for a few years before they remarried, and I cannot imagine how hard it was for them. You are not stupid for higher education if you made it this far. I know it's probably really scary entering the unknown but you will be introduced to so many cool opportunities and once in a lifetime opportunities. I have faith and no doubt that you will succeed. You are smart, beautiful and articulate.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Floraful
PS-I'm jealous that you get to live in London, I've been dying to visit there!
Thank you Hannah, that is such a nice comment. Come visit! Xx
DeleteI can relate to this post! I worry too much all the time about every single thing. I was drawn by the title because it's so true. It's important to relax sometimes and just let everything go, though it's super hard.
ReplyDeleteHave an awesome day!
xx Kris
https://dreamingofpink.wordpress.com
Preach girl preach :) thank you Kris, hope you have a fantastic weekend x
DeleteKiran, you lovely girl! You are going to be fineee! I was super scared and nervous when I was going to study abroad in England but I had the best time ever! I'm sure once you're in London and have a routine going, you'll be absolutely fine! x
ReplyDeleteTOUCHOFGS
I hope so! Thank you, glad to hear you loved it x
Deleteamazing post I love it :) thanks for sharing
ReplyDeletejadieegosh
No problem x
DeleteChange is always scary but don't worry. I just moved across the country and found a new job. The change was hard at first but I am so thankful that I took on the challenge =o)
ReplyDeletehttps://dreamofadventures.com/
That's great news! Well done, that does sound scary but I bet you feel extremely capable and competent as a result. I think doing scary/risky things like this helps you believe in yourself because you don't have a choice x
DeleteYeah I definitely relate, it's always hard to bet on yourself. There's this like 'quote saying image thing' that says 'You believed in Santa for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 10 seconds' which is too true! Just keep pushing and trying :)
ReplyDeletexx Sofia | SOFIAADOT
I love that and I am probably going to tweet that haha x
DeleteAwww~ new transition in your life. I know it sounds hard not knowing what will happen but things happen for the best for you. You will see in a year from now.
ReplyDeletehttps://ahleessa4realz.blogspot.com/
I hope so! Thank you Ahleessa x
DeleteAww Kiran, you are certainly not alone in this regard. I struggle with feelings of not being good enough sometimes and it's the worst feeling in the world. You're going to be great in school and your MSc will open so many doors for you. It sounds so cliche I know, but you will be alright and you will do great things. Just remember, you are enough. Will be praying for you. xx
ReplyDeleteCoco Bella Blog
Thank you so much x
DeleteI´m staring my MSc in a few weeks too! So I totally understand how you´re feeling & it´s nothing to be ashamed of! Some people love changes and others - like you and me - just don´t. While there might be a part of it that you´re super excited for, the worries always feel heavier.
ReplyDeleteBut I´m very much sure that we will both be fine and settle into the new situation easily! Writing about those feelings definitely always helps a lot too!
xx Lisa | Following Lisa
I totally understand how you are feeling. I'm planning to apply for a Masters and even the thought of that is freaking me out. I think it will work out well once you start there and get settled in. One day you will look back and think that you had nothing to worry about at all. :)
ReplyDeletewww.wildfirecharm.com