2017 was a bit all over the place and I honestly have a good feeling next year. My sister is getting married, I will have finished my MSc. It is going to be a damn good year, I am telling you, I feel it in my bones. But truthfully this year was a bit of a shitshow for me. I learned a lot about myself and I had to adjust and adapt numerous times. I travelled alone for the first time in my life and loved it. I have made more money blogging this year than any other year and I started uploading, albeit sporadically, on YouTube which has been a goal of mine for fucking-ever. I think I am growing as a person and I am truly excited to see where this year takes me. I wish you all a blissfully happy, healthy and prosperous new year. For all of you who have read even one of my posts, clicked on a link, commented on any of my social medias, asked me a question on Snapchat, supported me in times of stress thank you from the bottom of my tiny heart. You are a piece of joy in my life. I am more open and candid here than I have ever been, I hope this helps you and thank you for being there for me even when I couldn't be bothered to post. It has meant more than I can express.
FUCK INSECURITIES
This is my biggest one and my main challenge this year. I worry about so much, a lot of you most likely can relate. Nothing is good enough. I go to bed feeling like a failure because I am not where I want to be at the age of 23. I am incredibly hard on myself which leeches the enjoyment out of my life. There is so much I want to do and I am angry with myself for letting myself down time and time again by not having the balls to do it. I filmed my first YouTube video on my Sony laptop (RIP Toby) in first year at 18 years old and instantly deleted it. If I could go back in time and strangle myself I would, imagine if I had kept at it. Five years later I would be much better and not such a novice. Regrets are pointless now so I want to make this a year of doing. I want to start filming for YouTube and creating and posting makeup looks even though I know I am nowhere close to the talent all of you seen online. Instead of saying why them say why not me? You need to be your own cheerleader it is as simple as that. The world waits for no-one and we could all die tomorrow so suck it up and live for today.
STOP MAKING EXCUSES
My biggest strength is my ability to procrastinate, but my biggest lesson this year is that I am in charge of my own life. It is all me. Every mistake, regret and achievement has been of my own doing (with a little help, of course, I am not a narcissist). I put off making videos because I wanted them to be perfect, I wanted that picturesque background, than $2000 Canon camera with a Sigma lens, a tripod, a Diva ring light and studio panels. The whole works. Well, I don't have the space for that and I don't want to spend a small fortune on something I might not stick with. Everybody starts somewhere but you have to put the work in. Same goes for my studies and my career goals. I plan to work in a very competitive field but I am a determined person, I know this. I know I can do it. So why do I keep making excuses and putting off tasks that will help be the person I want to be? Fear. Well, fuck fear. Fear has done fuck all for me. So it is time to make it all happen. And it starts with you.
HONESTY
It is hard for me to write this because I am a private person and I have this awkward fear about people seeing or knowing too much about me, like it gives them this irreversible power. It’s irrational and it stems a lot from past relationships and friendships, I have regretted opening up to people in the past and right now at this stage in my life I am just tired. I am tired of pretending I am okay all the time and worrying about what I say as it might give people ammunition against me in the future. I don’t like people very much and that is never going to change. Honesty is something I admire the most in the people I surround myself with and I am too cautious and wary to be able to get the most out of my friendships. I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for the truth. I am lucky to have cultivated some great friendships this year which I hope last my lifetime. They have inspired me as in such a short space of time I learnt so much about them, the darkest and brightest times of their lives and their families and friends and I opened up almost immediately and felt truly liberated. I want all my friendships to be like that. So that is a key goal of mine to be more honest with the people in my life because it has been a mixed bag of a year and I honestly don’t know why I am so afraid to talk to people when I am struggling. As someone who wants a career in mental health I am a bit of a hypocrite. Maybe a lot.
GRATITUDE
Leading on from the last goal, this has been a tough year for me. I can’t put my finger on why exactly but I have struggled a lot. Irrationally so. The uncertainty of my future feels like this impossible weight around my neck and I am scared all the time. I let my fear dictate what I do so I feel limited in what I can achieve which is why it is imperative that I do my utmost to achieve the first goal I mentioned. Gratitude is one of the key things psychologists have correlated to happiness. Those who list what they are thankful for daily are likely to feel happier with their life. I have a lot to be grateful for. Not all of you know that I work in a hospital when I am home from London, I work in Histology during the week and on the wards at the weekends for patient contact experience. In a way I have never really thought about it before even though I was always aware of it I am so infinitely grateful for what I have. For all the suffering I have been spared in my life. For my health, my home, my parents, my family. All the love, safety and security that exists in my daily life is priceless. So many people don’t have that. So many people from the second they are born are dealt such a shit hand and I have seen this in front of my eyes. I am thankful there are people that care in the world. I am thankful for the NHS and for the people that work on Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve, not because of the extra money but because they can see the bigger picture. Imagine needing to go to hospital on Christmas, or having to call the police or experiencing some other emergency. It would be unbelievably shit, wouldn’t it? So the least I can do is be there for the people that have had their day ruined beyond belief. I see patients that don’t get a single member of their family come to visit them and it breaks my fucking heart. I am so lucky. And I want to remember that every day of my life. You don’t appreciate what you have until it is gone and that is the sad and simple truth. If you don’t have a cold or the flu right now take a big deep breath, if you can walk, run and fix yourself a sandwich marvel at the ability and amazingness your body is capable of. I am not saying you should live every second kissing the ground appreciative of the breath you are given but just feel it in your heart that you have something many people don’t. It’s a short life but if you experience a little bit of the beauty this world and the people in it have to offer it can be a glorious one.
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
I made a lot of impulse purchases last year for no real reason. I bought Juvia’s Place Eyeshaodw Palettes and the Morphe x Jaclyn Hill Palette all from US sites when if I had just waited and bided my time I could have saved myself a shit tonne of cash. I paid add-on shipping fees and custom fees shelling out a lot of money when both brands and products came to Beauty Bay in a matter of months. The idea behind it was I wanted to review it on my blog and YouTube channel but feeling so stupid when Beauty Bay announced both products were coming to them I felt too ashamed and too frivolous to bring myself to open the palettes. I am a master at self-berating. So this year I want to be patient and wait before making impulsive decisions. I think that will make me mentally healthier in the long run and would do my bank balance some good in the process as well.
BE MORE SAVVY
I love products, I love beauty. I want to try it all. No matter the price or the ingredients list and although I am selective when it comes to what I try out as the beauty industry is so saturated at the moment with new brands and new releases happening every day I could be better. I am already partially doing this, but over the last two years I have realised that the profit margins on these products that we are eating up like candy are astronomical. So instead of giving up my hard-earned money for an £80 face cream I am going to look at the ingredients and see if I can try and find a cheaper alternative or formulate something myself. I highly recommend a lot of you do this, especially with skincare. It is the active ingredients that do the most work and if you can figure out what they are you can purchase them at a health store and add them to your moisturiser and reap the benefits whilst saving yourself a lot of money. One example is the MV Organics Pure Jojoba Seed Oil, this is exactly what it says. There is just one ingredient in here and that is pure jojoba seed oil which you can purchase for £5.49 for 50ml compared to the £30 bottle they sell on Cult Beauty.
There are of course other resolutions on my list like losing weight, exercising more, eating better (yawn, I know) and also wearing earrings and just generally being less of a tit this year. Thank you so much for reading this a ridiculously long post but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Thank you all for everything you have done for yourselves this year. I have had people reach out to me when I feel like dog shit and just knowing that people care about you can be a total game-changer. So above all, whether you achieve what you want to or not please look after yourselves. There is only one of you after all. Please leave a comment, share your highs and lows of the year, your resolutions and what you are most looking forward to next year. I cannot wait to read them all. Take care.
What are your goals for 2018 and what have you learned this year?
Love ❤
Kiran
